ENLIGHTENED RELATIONSHIPS
Webinar by Paramahamsa Nithyananda – Sunday, 27 July 2014
I welcome all of you with my love and respects.
Subject for today’s webinar – “Enlightened Relationships”.
True love and fulfilling relationships is your birthright.
Please understand, what is “true love”? True love is the experience, the way, method through which you connect with everyone with the basic cognition of Oneness. Please understand, the basic truth about life is Oneness. The vast energy field where all of us experience that Oneness, having that Oneness as a basic cognition, the way you relate with everyone, is “true love”.
“Fulfilling relationship” means, every relationship which reminds you again and again and gives you the experience of that Oneness, is “fulfilling relationship”. The person may be near you, far away from you, he may be your spouse, he or she may be your friend, whatever title, name you may give, as long as that being brings you to the powerful space and reminds you, makes you experience Oneness, it is “fulfilling relationship”.
People ask me so many questions about relationship, relationship subject. Literally, millions of questions I receive! “Relationship” is the subject I receive tons of questions every day. So I will try to answer some of the questions related to relationship.
First question people always ask, ‘Swamiji, what is true love, and how do you experience it in your life?’
Just now I explained, true love is again and again reminding you of the space of Oneness, the unifying field of consciousness, and any thought, action, word, which comes from that experience of Oneness towards anybody, anything, is “true love”. Remember the basic truths about life of Oneness, you will naturally experience true love in your life.
People ask, ‘How do I know if I am experiencing true love or just a mind game?’
Understand, if the other person again and again makes you powerful, makes you experience the Oneness, you are experiencing true love; or, forget about it, it is all a mind game.
People tell me, ‘I seem always to attract the same kind of relationships? How do I get out of this pattern? How do I attract the right person into my life?’
First thing, you will always attract the same kind of relationships in your life as long as you carry the same pattern. When you get out of the pattern you are carrying, when you complete with all the patterns you are carrying, when you bring yourself to Completion from all the incompletions you are carrying, you will attract the right person into your life. Right person into your life! Till you carry the same pattern, you will attract the same kind of relationships in your life.
Please understand, the way you relate, the way you respond, the way you utter words, that puts the expectation, that makes the other person to react, respond, reciprocate. So, end of the day, it is you who is moulding even the other person through your relationship with that person. So, your pattern decides the way the other person responds to your relationship.
People ask me sometimes, ‘What makes it so difficult to move on from previous relationships? My past is affecting my ability to love. How can I clear the past and rewrite the relationship the way I want?’
Listen! Listen! You need to know, anything which brings you powerlessness, difficulty, you never had that systematically! Please understand, if you had wealth and lost it, you had relationship and lost it, if you had health and lost it, you have not systematically built it; it has happened to you as accident. Anything you consciously build, anything you consciously build, stays with you and makes you more and more powerful. If you feel your earlier relationships are failure, you need to know you did not build that consciously; it happened as an accident. May be just because you were a young girl or young man, relationships would have happened, not because you wanted to enter into it consciously with a purpose, with a clear goal in life. So, understand, the word “relationship” should not be used if it has happened as an accident. So, whenever some relationship breaks, fails, remember to name that as an “accidental” relationship, so that it is easy for you to get out of it, complete with it, you can clear the past, and at least next time you can be very sure about what you should be doing and should not be doing. The earlier relationships, why it worked and why it failed, the right lessons are learnt, the right context is set for you to rewrite the relationship, the new relationship, the way you wanted, the way you want to live. So, understand, you can clear the past and rewrite the relationship the way you want, the way you want it to be by understanding the right reasons why it worked and why it failed. So, whatever is the reason why it failed, you need to complete with it, get rid of those patterns to make the relationship work in a right way.
Sometimes people ask me, ‘Sometimes it seems like love alone is not enough to have a successful relationship. We seem to have many conflicts with people we love. What else other than love is needed?’
I tell you, Completion! Completion with yourself and with others is the most important ingredient of relationship. Love is actually the side-effect of the relationship. Completion is the main ingredient of relationship. Completion with yourself and Completion with others is the main ingredient of relationship. Please understand, ability to see the possibility in you is Completion with yourself, ability to see the possibility in others is Completion with others. So, Completion with yourself and Completion with others is the first ingredient for a successful relationship. Love is side-effect. When I say “Completion”, I mean your ability to look at your possibility instead of denying constantly yourself, loading yourself with all the impossibilities and past failures. So, denying yourself all possibility is incompletion, allowing your possibilities is Completion. Same way, seeing and allowing others possibility is Completion with others.
People ask, ‘How can I heal my broken relationship with my wife, husband, sibling, son, daughter?’
Listen! This is a straight answer I am giving you! Decide, however difficult it may look in the initial level, decide to have Completion with yourself and Completion with all the relationships in your life. Look in, how “The World”, the actual happenings, facts, have been twisted, manipulated, interpreted by the “My World” happenings. Listen! Just see how “The World”, the real factual happenings were interpreted, manipulated in your world and do this like an exercise. Sit and look in how the relationship with your spouse, with your sibling, with your son, with your daughter, started getting incomplete, started getting broken. Look into those incompletions and pen down, intranalyze, whether it is because of the fact or because of your interpretations. I can very clearly tell, mostly, in a way, almost always it is because of your interpretations. Have enough intelligence and patience to look into your interpretations and how many times it is proved your interpretation is wrong, how you hold them up, look in, and complete with that. Complete with that! Complete with that! And sit and openly talk to your spouse, sibling, son or daughter, with whomever you have broken relationships. Sit and openly have a discussion with them, talk to them. That is the only way you can heal the broken relationships, you can complete.
Same way, people feel sometimes that someone they love is not communicating with them. They say, ‘We have tried many times. How do I get them to talk to me?’
Listen! First thing, the other person not communicating with you is nothing but he has closed the doors on you. At those moments, trying more and more times may lead to more and more incompletion. There are only two things which can heal deep wounded incompletions, deep wounds in relationships: One is “time”; another one is “friendliness”. Without communicating you can continue to carry friendliness towards the person, understand? Whether you understand it or not, believe it or not, ultimately, as truth, all of us are connected through this unifying consciousness. So, when you carry friendliness, the other person will automatically respond, start reacting even if you are not trying to communicate with that person. So, wait, complete with yourself, allow time to heal; and the power of your Completion, the way you carry the friendliness will simply make the other person communicate with you, relate with you. Please understand, I am not talking something like miracle or taking a chance; I am talking about a science!
People say, ‘How can I trust people?’ People ask me this question, ‘How can I trust people? What if they take advantage of me? How do I start trusting after I have been hurt by others?’
First thing, as long as you have some business understanding bargain, do not call that as “trust”. If you have been hurt, it must be in bargains, never in trust. Trust is a pure powerfulness to experience about you, and the surety, certainty, guarantee you experience about others just by the way of Oneness, not by the way of their words or commitments, the way they talk to you; it is the way they make you feel about you and them. Understand, the way they carry their being into you and they carry you into them. “Trust” is surety given by the being, not by the words; honest to the being, not to any words. So, if you have been hurt, be very clear, earlier you might have had bargaining relationship, not trust. So, do not call bargaining relationship, business relationships, as trust, and lose the ability to trust anybody. It is a very, very, very serious miss you will do in your life! No! That will be a very costly mistake!
And same way, don’t call your irresponsibility to gauge the other person as “you trusting and they taking advantage”. Most of the time, you complain about the other person that they took advantage of you. But if you look back, you were irresponsible in gauging them! You were irresponsible, that is the truth! Don’t cover up your irresponsibility, saying, ‘I trusted them!’ Did they give you word? Did they give you commitment? And even when they committed are they whole, complete? Was their whole being committed, or only one part of them committed? Or do they have the capacity to hold their words and commitments? Is he a matured man, integrated being, who has the capacity to stand by his commitment? You need to look into all that. You are responsible! Look into that! You cannot say your irresponsibility can be justified. You just blame others that they took advantage of you. Most of the time people blame others that they took advantage of them because of their own irresponsibility. At least be very clear, YOU were irresponsible in that relationship, so that you will retain the ability to trust the next person in your life responsibly. If you give a wrong word, saying, ‘I trusted, and they took advantage of me!’, you will lose the capacity to trust. This is one of the important dimensions of life which should never be lost.
Same way, people ask me, ‘How do I know if a person is right for me as a partner?’
Listen! This is a very important question. How you carry the person in your inner-space: When you remember that person all by yourself, does he make you feel powerful? Does he complete you and make you feel more and more authentic? Please understand, I am not asking does he make you feel excited? Does he make you feel good? Does he make you feel enthusiastic? No! I am not asking you all those questions! Does he fulfil? Does he make you feel powerful? Does he or she make you feel complete? When you remember the person all by yourself, sitting alone, how you feel about him, what is in him or her that completes you, makes you powerful, what is that in him or in her that makes you experience the Oneness? Look in. Anybody who makes you experience the Oneness, feeling of non-duality, anybody who makes you feel powerful, completes you, helps you go beyond all your incompletions, powerlessness, really makes you experience powerfulness, is the right person for you. You need to spend a little time with yourself and that person to see the way you experience Completion with you and Completion with him. If that person is able to bring Completion in your life, you are able to bring Completion in his life or her life, or both of you are able to see each others’ possibility, then the person is right for you.
Next, people ask me, ‘How can I bring true love into a relationship to make it extraordinary?’
The one and only way: Bring the experience of Oneness and Completion in both of you. Welcome to the Inner Awakening to experience the real true Completion, Oneness with the other person, where you complete the other person and the other person completes you, and the true love is experienced, where the true love is awakened. Understand, if you bring Completion to each other, the true love is awakened and the relationship becomes extraordinary, leads itself to the experience of Oneness.
People also ask me about the concept of “soul mates”: ‘Do they exist?’ ‘What does it mean practically?’
I want to tell you, “soul mates” exist only after you discover your soul, not before that! Unless you discover your soul, soul mates don’t exist. Unless you experience Completion, soul mates don’t exist for you. If you experience Completion, you will attract the right person to whom you will cause Completion, who will cause more and more Completion in you, you both will cause each others’ reality. When I use the word “Causing Oneness to each other”, means, causing each others’ reality, you don’t feel your reality is separate from that person, that person’s reality is separate from you. Both of you feeling your present reality and future reality is one and the same is what I call “experiencing Oneness”. When you know the other person’s reality is also the same as yours, you will have tremendous compassion, sympathy, true friendliness. That is what I call as “love”, “fulfilling relationships”. Soul mate is a person with whom you reverberate and both of you feel the present reality and the future reality is one and the same; they are soul mates. If you discover the soul, you will have soul mate.
People ask me, ‘What is the best way to teach children about healthy relationships?’
The best way is, educate them with the simple ideas how the friendliness strengthens them again and again. Do not add your selfishness into their being. Do not add your self-centred incompletions into their thinking part. Teach them to be powerful and complete. Teach them the joy of Completion. Teach them to relate from the space of powerfulness. Bring them to the eN-Genius program. We will teach them. We will give them the experience of powerfulness, relating from the space of Completion, and healthy relationships.
Last, but not the least, this is a very important question I always face: ‘How to use love and the relationship as a gateway to enlightenment and higher consciousness?’
This is very important! Please listen! Understand, you are nothing but a bunch of your patterns, past experiences. Same way, the other person also is nothing but a bunch of patterns, past experiences, mainly incompletions. Remember, whatever leads you to incompletion will be leading the other person also into incompletion. Remember, never to retain the other person in your life through incompletions. No! Trying to have the other person in your life through incompletions is psychological slavery. Most of the time, because you are dependent on the other person, you make the other person dependent on you subtly. When you understand you don’t want to be bound by somebody, you don’t want to be controlled, you don’t want to be under slavery, you don’t want the relationship with incompletions, when you understand that, having the clarity that the other person also does not want to be bound by incompletions, powerlessness, or slavery, giving the same space you want to have to the other person is what I call “Oneness”. Giving the space you want to have to the other person also is “Oneness”! Giving the space you want to have to the other person also is “Oneness”, understand?
Love and relationship is the greatest way your own unknown part of you can be known to you by being mirrored by the other person. I tell you, “beloved” is a person who awakens your own unknown parts of you to you. Even you will suddenly be shocked that you can fall in love so much, you can love so much! “Beloved” is a person who awakens that deep friendliness dimension of you which was unknown to you. “Lover” is a person who awakens that extreme friendliness and joy which was inside you, but unknown to you. “Teacher” is a person who awakens the knowledge component of you which was inside you, but unknown to you. “Beloved” is a person who awakens the love component of you, friendliness component of you which was inside you, but unknown to you. Your beloved, the other person, the “other” in the relationship, is a mirror of unknown components of you. When both of you mirror each others’ unknown components and start exploring, supporting each other to complete each other, this is the best path for enlightenment! That is the best path for enlightenment! I want to tell you, no one can be achieving enlightenment alone. No one can achieve enlightenment in loneliness. Even if he does not have relationship with a man or woman, he will be having relationship with a river, or a hill, or a tree, to achieve the Complete Completion and enlightenment. Relationship can be beautifully used as a gateway to enlightenment and higher consciousness when you decide not to put the other person in the space you don’t want to be put. If you don’t want incompletions, don’t give incompletions to the other person. If you don’t want slavery, don’t give slavery to the other person. The space you wanted, give the same space to the other person; you will see, both of you reach enlightenment!
People ask me many times, ‘Swamiji, define Love vs Lust vs Passion.’
When you give the same space you wanted to the other person from the understanding of Oneness, when your beings experience the same reality, it is “Love”. When your bodies try to experience the same reality by exchange of muscle-memory and the physical touch, it is “Lust”. When your minds try to exchange the bio-memories and experience Oneness, it is “Passion”. Please understand, when your beings try to experience Oneness, it is “Love”. When your emotions, interests, try to experience Oneness, that is “Passion”. When your bodies try to experience Oneness, it is “Lust”. All the three is nothing but trying to experience Oneness at various levels. If one leads to the higher levels of Oneness, everything is right. If one leads to the next level of Oneness, the body’s Oneness leads to the level of Passion’s Oneness, the Passion’s Oneness leads to the level of the Being’s Oneness, everything is right. When body’s experience of Oneness, if it leads you to explore the Oneness of the emotion, and the emotion’s Oneness leads you to the experience of Oneness of the Being, everything is right. If any one step does not lead you to the next step, it is wrong.
People also ask me, ‘What is the difference between “devotion” and “attachment”?’
Ask me this question, because I am seeing tons and tons “devoted”, and thousands and thousands “attached”! In “devotion”, you try to experience my space of Completion. In “attachment”, you try your best to pull me down to your level of incompletion. If you expect me to act in the same pattern you wanted, it is “attachment”. If you evolve in the space I am living and radiating, it is “devotion”. That is all! Very simple definition!
People ask, ‘Commitment vs Responsibility, Swamiji, please define?’
I have seen people ask me, Commitment vs Responsibility in a relationship. Please understand, if you constantly think from incompletion, powerlessness, and can constantly be thinking what all can go wrong, and trying to control only that, stop only that “what all can go wrong”, that is “Commitment”. “Responsibility” means, thinking from the powerful space “what all can go right”, and making that happen, working for that. “Responsibility” is working for what all can go right. “Commitment” is stopping, working to stop what all can go wrong. Commitment is “crisis management mood”, Responsibility is “creation mood”. In a relationship, “Responsibility” means, constantly raising it to the next, next, next levels of Completion; “Commitment” means, trying to keep the plastic rose look like the real rose by spraying the perfumes. I tell you, “Commitment” is more like dragging; “Responsibility” is more like flowering. “Responsibility” means, feeling the present and future reality of both beings as one! “Commitment” means, somehow do actions, words, to keep it alive, keep going. There is a big difference between “Commitment” and “Responsible”.
People ask me to define “trying to improve others” vs “accepting the others as they are”. Please understand, both are wrong! Trying to improve the other, means, constant resistance. Accepting the others as they are, means, non-caring laziness. Both are wrong! Be very clear, the other person is not one! Look into that person. All the Completion space that person carries, accept it as it is. Imbibe, imbibe so much that you feel one with it. All the powerlessness, even if it helps you to keep the other person under your control, don’t keep that alive; it is not good for you for a long term. Help that person to complete with that. Even if you know if that person completes from that incompletion he will leave you, help the person complete. He may leave you, but he will be living with you! He may not be able to stop living with you! I have seen so many people leaving me, but they can never stop living with me. I tell you, the other person is not one! That is an important understanding you need to have! Neither trying to improve the others, nor accepting the others as they are, is right. Try to complete the other person wherever he or she has the incompletions; accept the other person as they are wherever they have Completion.
People ask me to define “Trust” vs “False Hopes”.
Understand, again, “Trust” is from the powerful space with the clarity of what you are. Only with the clarity of what you are, “Trust” happens. “False Hopes” is you not trying to understand what you are, you not trying to understand what the other person is, is “False Hopes”. Understand, when you understand who you are, what you feel as you inside, how you show you to others outside, how others perceive you, and how you perceive the world, if all these four are aligned, you know you. When you know you, whatever you feel is “Trust”. When you don’t know you, whatever you feel is “False Hope”. When you know you, whatever you feel about you and others is “Trust”. When you don’t know you, whatever you feel about you and others is “False Hopes”. Whatever you feel, whether it is “Trust” or “False Hopes” depends on whether you know you.
People ask me to define “Loneliness” and “Aloneness”.
Just now I used both words in the same meaning. But in order to define both words deeply, in Sanskrit we have a word – “Kaivalya”; means, “aloneness”. “Loneliness” is, you want to have somebody to escape from you and your incompletions; that is “loneliness”. Even if you have the other person or not, you will be lonely. “Aloneness” is, you are so complete, so fulfilled, so powerful, you don’t need anybody to complete you, make you powerful, that is “aloneness”, whether you have the other person or not. Whether you have the other person or not, if you are complete with yourself, you are “alone”. Whether you have the other person or not, if you are incomplete with yourself, you are “lonely”. “Lonely” people attract slavery, abusive relationships. “Alone” people attract joyful, completing relationships, where not only they are complete, they complete the other person also.
Now, as the essence of today’s webinar, the only thing I wanted to tell you is, bring authenticity in your being, responsibility in your actions, integrity in your words; you will be just enriching the other person, and the other person will be enriching you. Relationship will become successful, leading both of you to experience the same reality.
Now I wanted to give you the meditation process to experientially flower in true love, in relationships.
The first step: Look in and pen down –
· What you feel about you when you are with that person with whom you are in love,
· What you feel about you when you are not with that person with whom you are in relationship, and
· How you show you to that person. Pen down all these.
· How that person perceives you, and
· How you perceive that person.
Pen down all these five points independently. And look in, what are the conflicts and incompletions between these five answers. Look in, when you started developing those incompletions in you.
I will repeat the instruction.
· What you feel about you when you are with that person? – First question.
· What do you feel about you when you are away from that person? – Second question.
· How you show you to that person? – Third question.
· How that person perceives you? – Fourth question.
· How you perceive that person? – Fifth question.
See all these five questions are answered authentically, and sit and see in these five answers wherever the conflicts, contradictions, incompletions are there, pen them down, and look back how you developed those incompletions, and re-live those incompletions within you. Re-live again and again, and relieve.
Let me elaborate instructions on incompletion. When I say “incompletion”, the conflicts, contradictions you have, contradictions, conflicts, how you feel about you, but how you project you to that person. You don’t need to project you to that person in the same way you feel about you, because what you feel about you itself is not completely true. So, I am not asking you to just project you to that person as you feel about you. No! I am saying, first of all, complete even the way you feel about you. Bring Completion into that. There are a lot of incompletions, factual errors, the way you feel about you. Re-live all the incompletion memories, the way you feel about you, and relieve. And, let all these five be aligned to each other – the way you feel about you when you are alone, the way you feel about you when you are with him or her, the way you project you to the other person, the way the other person understands you, and the way you understand the other person. Let all these five be brought to Completion, to sync to Oneness. Whatever contradictions, incompletions you have in these five answers, dig out how these incompletions came in your system, what are the patterns, incidents, when you developed these incompletions in you. Go back to your memories. See why, when, how you developed these incompletions, contradictions, conflicts. Re-live those incidents, and relieve those incompletions. Bring Completion within you, then sit with the other person, help the other person to come to the space of Completion with you. That is what is “completing with the other person”.
Please understand, this meditation process has to be done together. First, you bring yourself to Completion, and help the other person to bring Completion. Both of you sit together and bring both of you to Completion.
I can give you example of this non-alignment between these five. When you are alone without that person, you may be feeling frightened, shivering, victim mentality; but you may be showing to the other person that you are very courageous, confident. I am not saying you need to show yourself to that person as a victim, frightened. No! Complete with that victim mentality, frightened mentality, fear mentality. Bring Completion into you. Show yourself as a complete being. Take responsibility for what he feels about you, and decide to have a right possibility and Completion with him. This is what I say, this is what I mean when I say “aligning”. Wherever you feel you are stuck, you are feeling the non-alignment, dig deep why this pattern started growing in you, when you started growing this pattern in you. Remember those incidents and pen down. Re-live them and relieve them till those patterns and incidents lose power over your cognition. Do this exercise at least eleven days with the other person.
Sometimes you may say, ‘What if the other person does not want to do, talk to me, or do this Completion, and does not believe in it?’ Don’t worry, you are capable enough to bring Completion in the other person. Completion is the one process you can do for the other person, because it is based, rooted on the experience of Oneness. You do this process for eleven days and bring Completion in you. You will see, the other person simply recognizes the space of Completion you are carrying, the other person simply responds to the space of Completion you are carrying, and the Oneness is awakened in the other person also. I am not talking about some theory; it is a science! When you bring Completion in you, you WILL awaken Completion in the other person!
MEDITATION IN PROGRESS (for about eleven minutes)...........
With this, I bless you all to experience the Complete Completion and oneness with the other person. I also welcome all of you to come to the Inner Awakening program and experience the Science of Completion and Oneness experientially, and live, radiate the same reality, present and future reality, Oneness, living Oneness. Thank you.
I bless you all! Let you all radiate with Integrity, Authenticity, Responsibility, Enriching, and Causing eternal bliss, Nithyananda! Thank you!
___________ xxxxxxx ___________
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